You know what I should be doing? Trying to figure out my life. You know what I am doing? Watching Adele on Youtube and pretending that I am not having a life crisis.
Story of my life.
So I am at the crossroads of life where I have to choose between the perfectly-good, decently-paid job that I have and a probably-not-well-paid, might-or-might-not-be-magnificent job that I don’t have. And since I have exhausted all the people around me by talking about this for the last few years, pretty much nobody wants to hear about this anymore. But I can’t stop obsessing over it and it’s driving me CRAZY. Hence this very short, pretty pointless blog entry.
Something I have noticed is that the catch about having something to look forward to in life is that you often get consumed in what you will do that you often forget to enjoy what you ARE doing.
As John Green writes in ‘Looking for Alaska’, “Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”
I think that is the best description of my current predicament. Nevertheless, I hope that I manage to get out of the labyrinth someday. But I wonder what awaits outside it. Another labyrinth, maybe?
Today was my last day at work. What I have in front of me are 20 days of freedom. Freedom to do absolutely anything and everything. Freedom from having to get up every morning, and drag my ass off to work where I partially enjoy what I do. Don’t get me wrong, it was good while it lasted, but now its time to move on.
The thing about freedom is that its a double edged sword. With freedom from having to work comes the problem called ‘money’. Trust me, it truly is a hell of a problem. Especially once you’ve gotten used to getting a reasonably fat paycheck in your pocket! You have no idea how unbelievably easier life becomes once you have a few extra bucks to spare. The other edge of the sword is this – uncertainty. What comes next?
I’m at this juncture in life wherein I have legitimate doubts of a dream that I was once, sure I’d pursue and (obviously) be good at. But once you’ve met people who set the benchmark at the height of K2, it’s rather difficult to shout out loud that you wanna climb that mountain too. Being out of breathe before you even begin your climb…? Excruciatingly painful. Plus, you identify new streams that give you joy. Maybe not exuberant, jump-off-the-couch-Tom-Cruise-style joy, but joy, nevertheless.And it does make sense to pursue that line of thought,
So what do you do? Which one do you concentrate on – the riskier life-long dream or the safer new-found passion?
I’ve heard all those clever quotes you’ve come up with about the ups and downs in life. Especially the one that goes “Life is a roller coaster, but it’s your choice whether to scream or enjoy the life.” Oh my gawd, I am sick of hearing that one being pushed around like an application in the Govt office! You see, I don’t quite get what you mean when you say that you should “smile through your downs” as if I’m auditioning for the role of a heroine in one of those horrendous Hindi serials. Whatever happened to fighting your way through your downs and just doing what you think you should do?
I speak about this now as I am facing some very trying times myself. Being somebody who has had a pretty comfortable life with no remarkable sorrows or tensions, this particular phase that I’m facing in my professional life has begun to put a permanent frown on my head. I reach home everyday, tensed, frustrated and pissed off. Add to it the fact that I have this big ego which screams at me for not making everyone like me enough and bam…I have a splitting headache. Everyday. Needless to say, trying times indeed.
So there I was, walking around with a smile on my face and moping around when no one is looking until one day – I finally had enough. Enough of being the prim and proper, always politically correct professional. I decided that it was time that I stopped doing things just to please others and do things because it felt right. Of course, I’m talking in a professional context now – personally, that’s how I’ve been since I’ve realized that doing what you love is cool. So well, I started communicating – actually communicating, i.e. – in exceedingly civil and polite snippets of honesty and there…I could almost feel a growing bulb of peacefulness within me. My problems are by no means solved, nor am I sure that people think the sun shines out of my arse, for that matter *excuse me for the language mom*, and yet I feel so terribly…liberated. Is that the right term? Yeah, I think so. Self-liberation, the first step towards sanity, I would say.